Sunday, 18 November 2007

Mission Completed

What a great sense of achievement it is. I finally moved into my new haven today after seven months of anxiety and restlessness.

While my mother keeps subtly reminding me of how lucky I am by asking about my peers, I can't help being proud of myself for making a childhood dream come true before my next birthday.

Certainly today is the beginning of a new chapter of life. Before worrying about anything else, let me have some quality sleep and sweet dreams that have been missing for months.

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Another Milestone, One More Step Ahead

Despite the hectic schedules and tremendous pressure at work, I think it was a right decision to start moving in my inventory of books and CDs sooner than later. Otherwise the delay would have been indefinite and dreadful.

While stocking the bookshelves is no-brainer but a tedious physical exercise, the creation of a book database in a proper way is where the real challenge sets in. I have created book records previously but never managed to keep them updated due to the absence of proper storage. That's why it was so annoying to see I have bought redundant copies of a few titles when ploughing through the some 750 volumes over the last two days. Now that I have no more excuses not to keep my library records up-to-date going forward.

Looking at the walls of bookshelves that are only two-third full, I couldn't help giving a sigh of relief and wearing a smile of satisfaction. What a sense of achievement it is!

The next step would be creating another database of CDs, VCDs and DVDs. Since there are fewer copies and now they are already sitting in different cubicles by category, it shouldn't take as long as a full weekend.

It just takes another step forward to reach the project finishing line. Again, hope this would happen sooner than later.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

當時只道是尋常--從《金玉滿堂》說起

這陣子忙得七竅生煙、心煩氣躁,想起Rosalind說過對Fiona在《金玉滿堂》裡的演出印象深刻,忍不住上網找了一些片段來看。

果然不錯。Fiona演一個純樸憨厚,又帶點傻氣的小婦人,可愛極了。後來她發覺丈夫不忠,那些淚水在眼眶裡打轉、無聲落淚的模樣兒,著實叫人心酸。

我對這劇沒甚麼印象,只記得是那些衣飾、布景、道具黃澄澄一片,曬死人不償命的賀年劇集,名稱都是甚麼《金玉滿堂》、《錦繡良緣》之類的「揮春常用字」,哪齣是哪齣也分不清楚。若不是Rosalind說起,根本不知道Fiona有份演出,而且可能是她離開無線前的最後作品。就像早前看1996年版《笑傲江湖》時那樣,看得興高采烈之餘,忍不住一直責問自己:「為甚麼以前沒發覺Fiona的戲演得那麼好?」

轉念想起《金玉滿堂》已是七、八年前的舊作,突然驚覺自己這二十年來,其實不斷在追尋一些有意無意之間錯過了的東西。

錯過的原因有兩種,一是因為生不逢時,二是因為心有旁騖,視而不見,「當時只道是尋常」。

因為生不逢時而錯過的,在蛛網塵封的灰黃之中,彷彿都有一抹艷媚的薔薇色,總是令人魂牽夢縈、意馬心猿。即使集體回憶、文化身分等潮爆名詞未必算得到自己的頭上來,還是忍不住沾沾自喜一番,彷彿懂得那一丁點兒皮毛,就足以在誰誰誰面前耀武揚威一番了。看,從陳幼堅到王家衛到G.O.D.,哪一個不是販賣支離破碎、out of context的陳穀子爛芝麻?

因為心有旁騖而錯過的,卻是怪不得旁人,只能怨自己。大夥兒同桌吃飯,各自修行,誰叫你點的菜跟別人不一樣?吃不著也是活該。

當然,不是說每個人也要點相同的菜,這種剝奪自由選擇權利的事情絕對不能鼓吹。但欲壑難填,看到人家吃得津津有味,明知自己未必吃得下,還是忍不住想分一杯羹。至於是否真的好吃,或者比自己原來點的菜更好吃,那就看各人的造化了。

總之,無論是哪一種原因而錯過了,往後總有更多的理由催促自己亡羊補牢。然而,愈是想把錯過了的東西追回來,遺漏的只有更多,結果弄得那張wish list比纏腳布還要長。

跟「過去」比賽,尤其是在「過去」不值錢的香港,本來就是吃力不討好的事情,結局永遠只能是身心俱疲。當真是應了莊子那一句:「吾生也有涯,而知也無涯。以有涯隨無涯,殆已。」

儘管慶幸自己仍有機會看到Fiona的舊作,又忍不住質問自己,這種追逐還要維持到甚麼時候。為甚麼不能像小時候那樣安分守己,不問好壞,照單全收。

其實已經不是第一次嘗試追尋錯過了的好風光,差不多過去二十年也是在這種追逐裡度過的,只是不同時期有不同的目標罷了。但來到這一刻,真是疲累不堪,覺得自己好像傻瓜一樣,明擺在眼前的偏不稀罕,卻去苦苦追尋一些早已遠去、甚至湮沒了的東西,簡直就是自討苦吃。

其實,生性慵懶如我,又怎會捨易求難?只不過擺在眼前的,真的無法令人心動。

唯其心動,才能鼓足力量去做那些無法以理性衡量和理解的傻事。

也許,我早就應該明白,為甚麼如此喜歡自討苦吃。