I think I am getting old, really old. Old enough to be offended when being pushed, squeezed or asked to change in order to follow the rule of the game.
Perhaps this means my ego is expanding too. I know too well what is on the other side of the table. I know too well what I want and simply don't want to be involved in anything that goes against my philosophy. Unfortunately the reality is not going to be changed in anyway by individual will.
I feel getting old because I have become more health conscious than ever. Now I pay great attention to my diet and insist to do exercise at least two times a week, hopefully not just on the weekends. Last week it made me sick when I didn't have time to go to the gym during lunch break. The more eager I want to chill out for my own good, the less likely it seems to be a reality.
I feel getting old because I have become more restless than ever. There is so much I want to achieve on personal fronts and I can't help thinking of early retirement to focus on those personal missions. The sense of urgency is rising steadily as if a clock is ticking aloud to remind me that the days are numbered.
I also feel getting old because I have become more cynical than ever. Now I question almost everything, including the capitalistic system that many believe is the soul of Hong Kong. I can visualise how the consumption-based, profit-driven model of business is going to takes its toll on the city that has always been its die-hard disciple.
This is why restlessness and resentment is boiling. Less and less I feel confident and comfortable in what I do to make my ends meet. More and more I question what good I am doing. At least on personal fronts, it feels like I am split into two foes fighting against each other for dominance of my mind. Nothing is more desperate and helpless than being plunged into a civil war of the mind.
Perhaps I have taken over too much of a philosopher's job. But I don't know what I can do to seek a settlement for peace without asking any more questions. Ain't it sad?