It has been three weeks since the curtains were drawn for the last performance of Romance of the West Chamber by Zhejiang Xiaobaihua Yue Opera Troupe. And this doesn't include the first glimpse of the farewell tour in Shenzhen last November.
I thought I was going to write something, but still can't utter a word.
More than two weeks have passed since Her Royal Highness's much-longed for performances too.
I am glad that I didn't commit to write anything, because I have serious problems organising my thoughts and feelings.
Ten days ago the birthday trip, to which high expectations of fun and companionship were attached, ended up in overwhelming disappointment.
Reading some hard and tough stuff like Aristotle's Poetics and making some serious notes along the way does provide some good distractions. Unfortunately I can't concentrate for long. It feels like I have already exhausted myself combating the negative emotions and regaining composure.
Neither can alcohol or coffee offer any meaningful relief. Anything that is poured into the stomach stays there much longer than it should. It feels half-full throughout the day even though it often drums loudly and bitterly at supper time.
Everything seems to have gone wrong. None of the usual tactics works this time.
I should have known better that companionship is but transient. Any attempt to overcome loneliness is doomed. I thought I was just taking advantage of a rare companionship, of which I had great expectations, and this is where the disappointment is derived.
Being alone is the ultimate truth of life that we must put up with. There is nothing we can do to change this, so why bother? At the end of the day, I am on my own. No one to rely on, to share with, and even to talk to. I should have known this better than I thought I did.
What should I do? Fling myself into another getaway to somewhere exotic and exquisite to get my eyes and mind wide open perhaps?