Sunday, 14 June 2015

Lost in the Dark

The first six months of this year is approaching to an end. What happened during this period have made it one of the toughest times I can ever recall.

I refrain from revealing any detail here not only for privacy – actually I have already said more than appropriate about myself in this blog, which is precisely one of the causes of some troubles – but also for the very simple belief that readers should not be bothered with the blogger's personal troubles whatsoever. The following lines are written as an attempt of self-therapy more than anything else. If you are not interested, please stop reading now. Thank you for your support along the way.

What happened over the past months was like driving over a series of landmines and got completely blown off. Literally I survived, but the physical and psychological sirens are ringing hard to remind me of some serious but subtle damages. Over the past two weeks the situation has gone worse. Appetite is lost almost completely, not feeling like eating anymore. I drink harder than ever, acutely aware that this is really bad. All of a sudden the hobbies and interests that have been established for so many years seem to lose their appeal. Recently there was a good bargain for my dream camera, but the much-awaited purchase didn’t give a single pinch of happiness or excitement. Actually I almost regretted it as soon as the sales receipt was given to me. The Chinese Opera Festival is opening next week (although I’m going to miss the inaugural show for work) and the next season of performances at Yau Ma Tei Theatre at the end of July, but I feel no anticipation or craving for the enjoyment whatsoever. Apathy and indifference grow at unprecedented speed and depth. While I manage to force myself to eat, to read, to write and to work out more frequently, the overwhelming vacuum deep down remains unchanged, if expanding.

Knowing how serious the problem is, I do whatever I can to deal with it, including seeking professional help. But little improvement has been made so far. As much as I know the problem, I am fully aware of the fact that at the end of the day, I am the only one who can take me out of the dangerous spot. Certainly it takes time, but I'm really angry with myself for allowing this to happen, and more impatient than ever to move out of the swamp of apathy and hollowness.

But I am not really complaining. I'm just being absolutely honest with my emotions and feelings and deal with them upright. The least desirable is to cheat yourself by turning a blind eye to what has gone wrong and pretending that the problems do not exist. They would not go away if you don't address them – not that there is any guarantee of success, because there are plenty of problems that can't be resolved single-handedly, but inaction always prolongs the suffering. Or, at least, I would have nothing to complain or to be complained against because I have done whatever I can.

I know more than anyone that what I have been going through is inevitable in my life, programmed by God or Dao or some sort of lofty authority in the back end of the universe, whatever you name it. I'm like a Super Mario jumping and running for survival without knowing who is taking control of my actions and decisions on the other side of the computer screen. I have no idea whatsoever if I would survive any given stage. All I can do is to give my best with the hope that I would make my way through. But if I can't, it's life, and it' something out of my control.

Though not a Christian per se, I firmly believe that it is God who makes me who I am. He did so by appointing my father and mother, exposing me to a variety of things to help me identify what I'm interested in and what not, putting me to different situations in which I learn how to deal with challenges and hardships, and eventually shaping my personality from such experience. Perhaps He drags me into the current whirlpool to help me become stronger – both in physical and mental terms, but I haven't found out how to do so. It still feels like someone lost in the dark, trying to keep moving forward in order to keep up the hope of finding his way out sooner or later, but not knowing when he would succeed, or if he would ever see light again.

And now the most urgent task is to convince the other side of the brain that controls the heart to accept the harsh fact of life as it is, although it has taken way too long than it should.

14 comments:

  1. 是否工作壓力太大?可能的不妨改變下生活節奏.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 這只是其中一個原因。生活節奏至今未復正常,所以我愈來愈心焦。

      Delete
    2. 若嚴重要見醫生啊!

      Delete
    3. 為謹慎起見,已經看了,不過這些事兒還是得靠自己解決,旁人幫不了忙。

      Delete
  2. 咁你要加油喇!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 是的,一直在跟自己講數,尋求解決辦法。

      Delete
  3. Anonymous11:36 pm

    會否是工作壓力大,多看幾個醫生,多保重。

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous11:24 am

      有不開心事或解決不來的事,最好找可信任的朋友傾訴,朋友未必能幫上忙,至少可抒發一下,人會放鬆不少。

      Delete
    2. 是的,已經做了,不過我性格比較自閉,不太喜歡麻煩人家,尤其是自己珍惜的朋友。

      Delete
    3. Anonymous9:01 am

      性格比較自閉更要傾訴,不然,好易鑽牛角尖。若怕麻煩人家,可多外出走走,行行街,跑跑步都是減壓自然療法。

      Delete
    4. Anonymous11:26 pm

      收埋自己,是逃避,性格比較自閉是給自己的一藉口。

      Delete
  4. Anonymous8:31 am

    I feel your pain of suffering. Rest assured that you are not fighting your demons alone for you have many friends who care about you and support you in your struggle.

    You are wise to seek professional help. Hope you do find their consultation being beneficiary for you.

    Is there some sort of self-help group in Hong Kong similar to Alcoholic Anonymous. This site https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotions_Anonymous may give you a lead on how those groups look like. These groups are very popular in Canada and strongly recommended by health and community care advocates. If there is no such group in HK, you may consider starting one. People with the same problems are likely to help each other by sharing their stories and experiences.

    You seem to be a victim of cyber bullying. In Canada cyber bullying receives a lot of attention from the public and politicians after a number of suicide deaths as a result of atrocious bullying. Offenders were tracked down by authority and charged for the crime. It is well behind the time if HK government ignore the problem and take no action. Again you may consider organizing an advocacy group to lobby the issue with government and politician. Yes, I know you are so busy with many things. However such advocacy group will reward you with a sense of achievement and move your mind in a positive path forward.

    Let me know if you need my e-mail address.
    Samson
    Ontario, Canada


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Samson. Not really. I think I have got over that point already by really turning a blind eye and deaf ear to those. While it is certain that I was somewhat bullied, my emotional criticisms of certain performances some years ago, way before I took theatrical critique more seriously and professionally, could have been regarded as some sort of bullying and even defamation. I just don't want to waste time by plunging myself into such a dirty fight that leads to nowhere.
      My current situation can be attributed to a number of complicated factors that have been brewing for some time, in most cases out of my control or beyond awareness until the landmines went off. In any case, seeking professional help is little more than a pain-killer. To resolve the problems I can rely on no one but myself - at least to do my part and then move on with some peace in mind.

      Delete

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